interesting point. i just need someone whom i can trust. someone who knows when to protect my identity when need be and not know what's classified information.
other than that, yeah i sure as hell know what i want. i just dont know how to go about it.
lots to think about lately. seeing everyone happy with their lives makes me wonder why i shouldnt be happy with mine as well. then again, who says i dont like my life? of course its always nice to have a special person to share your ups and downs with you, but maybe its not that necessary? let's see how things go then. if its meant to be, its meant to be. if not, maybe someone will come along soon so i can get hitched. muaha. cuz sometimes, u just cant sit and wait around. all i can say is that if chances arent taken, then it sucks to regret when u realise its gone. like the old saying, you never learn to treasure til its lost.
anywayz, single life aint that bad.. in the words of cai cai. at least i've got my business to run, and my part time modelling job. pays pretty well but just not quick enough. been like, 3 months since my first job and i havent gotten paid yet! *broke* its really fun though. =)
gonna start salsa officially this sat! happening!!!!!
Foc.. most happening event in uni life per annum. and this year, even better! cuz its my 21st birthday!! haha.. really glad to have all my dear friends to be there, though everyone was really tired already. super nice to be celebrating with partner too! forgot to take a picture of the cake i baked for him, but i took a pic of his car! haha.. had a really hard time collecting post it notes with messages from friends. good thing i had nette, bobby and huilin to help decorate his car. quite fun except it started raining like crazy before partner got to see his car. almost wanted to cry cuz i tot all the effort was gone.. anywayz, partner had a lil surprise for me in his room as well! really cool decoration in his room. i loved the light sticks and everything!! partner was there, together with nette, marvin, xiao hong, YY and a few others. *super touched* it was a short but heartwarming party. HAPPY.
thanks everyone for everything! especially to pan pan for the cake, and yes xiao hong for the triple labour pains. hee
been a busy week with foc and everything. FOC was quite a nostalgic experience. lots of stuff happened during and after FOC last year... ha. dont really want to think about anything for now.
updates on yesterday!!!
the concert is finally over. Played as a guest performer for the NP concert. what can i say, timing was quite bad.. not very well organised too. Went to NP at 10 in the morning, ended up not rehearsing or anything til 4 plus. super messy cuz every song the seating arrangement was different. sooo weird la!! had a really hard time rememebering where i was supposed to sit for each song. lol.
waiting time was very long too... so us SPSE people just took lots of random photos!! hee... the photo thing was quite fun cuz elson and YX were doing alot of stupid acts. lol..
slackest job ever in my life yet. haha.. and quite welfare actually. me and nette decided it was way better than the barnacles opening. well worth being drenched while on the way to work this morning! haha.. then met cai and gang for lunch. nice to see them all again. funny bunch. and back home for more business work. was so tired that i KOed on my sofa for a full hour or so. until bobby had to drag me up to work. haha. sorry bobbieeee.
and back to town AGAIN for the second time to meet jq for dinner then watched a nice late night movie. and its been a long time since i've been sent home on a bus. haha... since driving usually means a lone ride home.
ah well.
status update: cheryl is tired. very. looking forward to the meeting tml. and the next pending job on 5th july =)
finally got the hang of next sat's concert pieces! not many pieces but shift from second to first violin means alots of changes in finger positioning. suupppper tired! but i cant sleep cuz i'm on the phone with marvin and he refuses to take a cab home to put my mind at peace. And he's updating me on the roads he's on. always like to walk home one. weird guy leh u best friend!!! somemore u know i have a phobia of letting my friends walk home like that. I dont like to know my friends are on the road homw. I guess bad experience stays for a long long time.
me: Haiz... best friend...... take a cab home... Marv: soon soon soon... me: whey... Marv: *and marvin starts singing*
totally being ignored lo! irritating... haha...
ah well...i'll be up typing nonsense til the dear boy reaches home.
gonna be a busy day tml too! work in the morning, then lunch date with cai, then work, then dinner date with jq. busy busy!
-status update- embracing singlehood. and putting down a year-long burden cuz nothing's gonna happen and its not worth continuing to be sad over.
Its been a confusing few days. But i've finally made up my mind. nothing's gonna affect me. Just gonna tie up my emotional baggage and get rid of it. I've carried that whole sack of emotions for too long and its getting really heavy. Plus, i've got loads to do. Need to get more jobs, need to settle my new business and violin and salsa etc etc... haha.. whatever that will come along will come along. so let sleeping dogs lie and get on with my life.
and i've got really good friends anywayz. it makes up for everything. especially marvin!! my bestest ever friend in NUS.
and more recently, xiao bao and cai cai!
actually met up with cai cai last night. took me for a walk around the east coast lagoon. really nice place. quiet and windy and peaceful =) had a very long chat with him too!
been having a very screwed up body clock lately.. haha.. first, a gathering at my place on friday.. was quite nice actually. had alot of fun and everyone was quite chatty. well most of everyone. gonna have a regular gathering.. xiao bao in charge. muaha. its thanks to him actually. very efficient at jioing people to come for gathering. only that we decided we shouldnt do "sleep"-overs too much cuz everybody's gonna be just too tired to have fun towards the end. not very healthy living.
its been a happening few days rather. had a long chat with a friend last night. quite a long while since we had such a long chat and i'm glad there was still stuff to chat about. ended up sleeping at like, 5am.. haha.. which also explains the screwed up timing.
more to do suddenly.. filling my schedule with plans to do stuff so i dont have to think too much about things. i went to join NP as a guest player for their upcoming concert so got lots to practice. plus my own ensemble pieces and exam pieces. plus, practice for oweek performance as suggested by ryan.
and thats not just it.. haha.. that was only violin... went for my first salsa lesson today too!. really interesting. i had fun! everyone should try it actually..
life feels like a maze. sometimes you see a through road... then it ends up being a dead end. i dont know what to do anymore. i dont have a compass. and i dont wanna walk into another no-through road. i think i'll just sit here and wait. either for the maze to wither away or myself.
i'm not gonna do anything anymore. i'll still be here as always... but just dun wanna hurt myself anymore.
tried this online test thingy... haha... apparently i act like my actual age. Dunno how true it is though... :p was thinking alot of stuff over the past few weeks... made up my mind to stop thinking and just let things go however it wants... save the heartache, save the headache. haha.
You Are 21 Years Old
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
그럴리 없다고 아닐꺼라고 믿었죠 um- 내가 그댈 사랑한단 이말도 안되죠 um- 괜한 질투일꺼라고 내가 외로운가보다고 자신을 속여봤지만 이제 더는 난 감출수가 없는걸요 -I Think I Love You 그런가봐요 - Cause I Miss You 그대만 없으면 난 아무것도 못하고 자꾸생각나고 이런걸 보면 아무래도- I`m Falling For You 난 몰랐지만- Now I Need You 어느샌가 내 맘 깊은곳에 아주 크게 자리잡은 그대의 모습을 이젠 보아요~ um-
-간주중-
우린 안어울린다고 친구 그게 딱 좋다고 um- 하나부터 열개 도대체 뭐 한개라도 맞는게 없는데- 어떻게사귈 수있냐고 말도안돼는얘기라고 말하며 둘러 댔지만 이제더는 난 그러기가싫은걸요- I Think I Love You 그런가봐요- Cause I Miss You 그대만 없으면 난 아무것도 못하고 자꾸생각나고 이런걸 보면 아무래도- I`m Falling For You 난 몰랐지만- Now I Need You 어느샌가 내 맘 깊은곳에 아주 크게 자리잡은 그대의 모습을 이젠 보아요~ Hoo~ 왜 몰랐죠 그대라는걸 Woo~ 왜 못봤죠 바로 앞인데~~Hoo~yeh- 그 동안 이렇게 바로 내곁에 있었는데 왜 이제서야 사랑이 보이는건지~~Hoo- I Think I Love You 그런가봐요- Cause I Miss You 그대만 없으면 난아무것도 못하고 자꾸생각나고 이런걸 보면 아무래도- I`m Falling For You [Falling For You] 난 몰랐지만- Now I Need You [Now I Need You] 어느샌가 내 맘 깊은곳에 아주 크게 자리잡은 그대의 모습을 이젠 보아요~
there's a lot of room for the mind to run wild when communication ceases to exist. i know cuz i've seen that happen to many people, yet i become a victim myself. its so easy to fall prey to the workings of your own mind.
in times of rationale, true feelings are masked. in times of emotional unstability, true emotions are revealed.
Somewhat true.
heaven loves playing jokes on people. he took seng away to make me realise just how much i loved him. now what...
I worry because i care. And when i do, i just wanna know everything. what you're doing, where you are, how you're feeling. the only reason why i care so much is cuz you mean the universe to me and more.
but sometimes caring too much only causes hurt to yourself.
a rationale person would think, dont bother anymore. Never love anyone more than yourself, or never love anyone who doesnt love you back. A rationale person would rather not do anything and put on a happy front while slowly waiting for the pain to subside.
saw partner on the road.... again!! its like the only place i ever meet partner unplanned. just on the road. hahah.. be it at 3am, at marina or just on the expressway... always always see my partner! haha. and i have the habit of messaging him just to disturb him. quite a coincidence everytime, its funny.
thanks for the lovely company yesterday guardian angel!! hee.. finally got to meet up after 2 semesters!! dun be too stressed over rag yeah!
If I were blue, would you be there for me, And whisper in my ears that's ok. Would you stand by me, let me hold you tight, And say you love me one more time.
If I feel good, would you slow dance with me, And touch my lips with tender loving care, Would you die for me, would you run with me, And never look back..
Would you be there to love, to be with me? Would you swear that your love is always true? Would you say that you'll always be the one,to take my breath away?
Would you be there to love, to be with me? Would you swear that your love is always true? Would you say that you'll always be the one,to take my breath away?
Would you be there..
If I were red, would you still think of me, And wish that you could hold me now? Would you die for me, would you run with me all the way? Would you be there to love, to be with me? Would you swear that your love is always true? Would you say that you'll always be the one, to take my breath away?
Would you be there to save my soul tonight? Would you swear that your love is always true? Would you say that you'll always be there, to kiss my pain away?
Would you be there to love, to be with me? Would you swear that your love is always true? Would you say that you'll always be the one, to take my breath away? Would you be there to save my soul tonight? Would you swear that your love is always true? Would you say that you'll always be there to kiss my pain away?
had a super slack day... stayed home and literally didnt do anything for the whole day. then went swimming cuz i didnt want to be at home alone... had dinner at the market near my place. thankfully ryan came to join me... if not i would have died. haha.. was a little down today... talked to ryan and we realised we're quite similar in some aspects. haha.. learning from each other might be good. didnt wanna go home so early so went to a park for a chat. dunno why, thought of alot od things, seng too, and i ended up crying quite a bit. i realise my emotions seem to be very dependant on people close to me. little things affect me alot. too much in fact. i dont know why it affects me so much, i dont know why i care so much. maybe loss has made me afraid. i just dont want to lose anyone close anymore. but it seems like the closer you hold, the further it tries to get away. i'm tired. i'm tired of feeling sad. i will be happy from now. i'll find something to be happy about everyday. i will be a happy me.
i thought, unloved people need hugs. you thought, happiness is what you find. i said, my greatest fear is loss, especially someone dear to me you said, you need to be more independant i felt, i dont want to always feel so emotional you felt, you needed to be away i guess, i should just let it be.
first of all, apologies for the very emotionally packed posts while overseas. too much time away from much loved friends does make one emotionally unstable. speaking of which, i realise that this eventful semester has brought me into a totally different depth of emotional trauma. Never ever felt so unstable before. i know myself to be someone who needs time to adapt to new environments, but this, is just a different issue altogether.
i know i need to face up to the truth, that nothing can ever be done. fate has been sealed. yet this nagging feeling never leaves. sometimes it feels like this large empty hole that can never be filled up. losing seng really hurt, and it still does.
the after effects just made me a hell lot more emotionally dependant than ever. my deepest apologies to marvin. i think i made your life hell. but at the same time, thanks for being there all along and never giving up on me. i really dunno what to do without you. really.
and Xiao Shan of course, faithful blog reader and friend.... thanks for the virtual hugs and appreciative comments. it may not seem much to you but little thoughtful gestures like that mean the world to me. HUGSSS** =)
crippled by a fatal accident. it was the crutch that made movement possible, that gave hope of ever walking again. the crutch has been dependable, yet it is weary from the weight of the cripple. maybe its time to try standing, try walking slowly. the legs are still weak, and yearn for the support of the trustworthy crutch. and even if the cripple could walk again, it would miss the crutch too much cuz they went through the most difficult times together. the sentimental value is too great. how's the cripple ever gonna be able to walk but yet keep the crutch by its side?
